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Friday, November 8th, 2002
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3:08 am - my weakness...
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just finished watching vanilla sky again...
I absolutely love this movie. Why? Well the simple reason would be to say...Penelope Cruz. However...there is another reason...I love sci-fi. The whole idea behind being able to die but then being able to live your dream life for all eternity while forgetting that you ever died...its beautiful. However...I as a Christian already do have that option without technology. Although I'm sure I'll remember that I died. But, back to Penelope Cruz. I once had a dream that we were engaged to be married. Women aren't my weakness...its women like her that are my weakness. Women that are so cute and adorable and give off the feeling of vulnerability while still encompassing self-confidence. They let you feel like a man in that they seem helpless and that you as the man can protect them from all evil. But its not that which causes the problem. Its that they evoke all sorts of mixed emotions within me. Women like her look as if they couldn't hurt a fly...yet...they scare me. If I were to be picked on by some ganster or whatever...I would still be scared but at least i would know what to do or what to think. But with women like her...I just go blank. I see their face and the way they look at me...into my eyes and I freeze. I don't act. I just respond without thinking but unlike any other situation...I am constantly second guessing my actions, my words, and even my thoughts. Basically...I melt. Thus, even though I am 100% attracted to women like her above all other women, I don't think I'll ever end up with one of them. They seem to end up with self-confident guys...the smooth ones that can make them smile their incredible smiles...charm them. I'm not a vain person but I do think that when it comes to charming women...I have a good a chance as anybody. But, but...I just can't seem to be myself around them. Any other type of woman I can handle. But, them...I usually end up going home and punching the heck out of my punching bag for acting so assssssssinine. I've met a few women like them in the past few years. But obviously I've only met them...never even had my foot in the door. Take the latest one for example. I saw her as I was coming out of Fusion gym. The gym is on the thrid floor and just outside there are numerous video games and what not all scattered around the floor. She was with a few of her friends and as I stepped out the door, I saw her coming my way to see what else this building had to offer. She had that incredible smile like the rest of them. Somebody must have said something funny b/c she was beaming as she approached me. I couldn't move. I just stood there looking at her. As her gaze lifted up to meet mine...I took the longest look that I could dare and quickly looked away before she did. Still, I didn't move. She just passed by me and I continued to stand there for an eternity. You know sometimes...I just don't think about life and I just live it. And then I see women like these...and then I start to think...get depressed about not having a woman and then began to think about how broke and jobless I am...therefore my weaknesses...women like penelope cruz..."that smile is gonna be the end of me"...I agree. Some women just have that expression they can make and its all over. ie. jennifer love...p. cruz...et cetera...and this last girl that i just can't seem to get out of my head...ok lost my train of thought...too many people iming me...
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| Tuesday, November 5th, 2002
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1:12 pm - missed chance
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was it peter or paul who denied Jesus 3 times...
I felt I denied Him yesterday...
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and one of the big subjects that we talk about is about Christianity. We ended our discussion last week with her basically saying I don't believe in your religion and this week she confronted me with some more questions...
i ashamed to say that she stumped me several times...
the reason that i wanted her as my fudao...she is very smart...
worked against me....however i prayed that God would lead me that God would give me wisdom to bring his child back to Him...
she asked me if everyone has a chance to go to heaven...then why didn't he show himself to the chinese people before...
she said christianity has been in china for a only a couple of hundred years and so what about the chinese people before that time...
must they go to hell b/c no one told them about God...
she asked me many questions along these lines and all i could say was i don't know...
she said she wanted to believe me
she wanted to believe in the God that i believed
but she wanted solid physical proof of His existence...
and i told her that i couldn't give it to her..
i said if she really wanted to know
if she really wanted to believe
then ask God her self to show Him self to her
b/c i couldn't prove it her...
then i felt the Spirit urging me to pray with her...
to take her hand and pray with her...
and I denied...
and i denied b/c i was afraid of the consequences...
i talked about ntot being afraid to be strong for my God..
and yet when He called upon me...
i denied b/c we were in a public place and i didn't know it was ok to pray publicly..
i denied b/c i was scared...
God called upon me to pray for His child and i denied
Lord I'm sorry
Give me the strength, the courage to follow your guidance
amen
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| Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
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6:22 pm
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feeling better today...first cold in china and it sucked...
ken's woman started to give him the shoulder but then he crosschecked it and she broke...
been feeding him the cookie...the its gonna break sooner or later cookie...
jairo met his angel last nite...
apparently she turned out to be pretty cool which is good for him considering he's been knocked around by the girls he met at the club the nite before
hurt his pride a lil when a local chick gave him the its aight but i rather not...
tonites kens turn
gonna meet up with the girls he met at the club...
jairo gonna join but don't think i will
haven't studied a lick all weekend and still coughing up my lungs...
hair getting a tad too long....
don't know what to do...
should i cut it...but its winter...and its gonna get COLD here...
gotta go find a thick jacket...
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| Saturday, November 2nd, 2002
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6:25 pm - funny jairo
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jairo met someone last nite while he was out clubbing at some local dive...
she didn't seem like a local for she didn't look completely asian..
but apparently she is...one of the minority races of china..
anyway he told her he would call her today and maybe to get together
but she said that she would call him instead...so she called and he said that he didn't have time before 5pm and she said she didn't have time after 5pm..
and she kinda got mad b/c he asked her to meet up today and he basically said he didn't have any time..
anyway she is one of those real confident types and he was attracted to that..so jairo was getting all nervous before the meeting..
they decided to meet in front of the beijing zoo...
and to make the long story short....
she came out with her mother...a last minute deal ...her mother wanted to go shopping too...so here's jairo...sitting with the girl and her mother at a restaurant having dinner and he can't understand a damn thing they're saying...
he just sits there like a dumbass smiling every now and then and then she tells him she gotta go..
they say zaijian..and thats it...
man that must have sucked jairo...
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6:19 pm
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people tend to change or at least have different personalities when they are online...some just let it go...fearing nothing and no one...for its anonymous...as for me...i dunno... i seem to be the same person no matter...unless i'm just really out there to mess around from the beginning...i think some of us get on line to actually meet people and have pleasant conversations and what not...and as for others...its just a place to mess around and be people that maybe we are too afraid or too conserative to be. I don't seem to change at all. I see my friends just go on line and just start flirting like crazy and start chatting up women and what not...and i just can't seem to get myself to do it. I don't know...I'm actually nicer on line than in real life...hmm I think maybe thats it...that's the change...I think that most of the time...i'm too scared to be nice to people...its hard to understand this concept but I think its my defense mechanism...i attack first and just always keep my guard up and keep everything laced with sarcasm in order to keep myself being exposed or vulnerable...so i think that when i'm online...i don't feel the need to be like this...cuz i know that its anonymous and i won't get hurt or whatever...hmm...this writing thing is pretty good...it lets me analyze myself...who would have known...
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| Thursday, October 31st, 2002
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1:13 pm - so i managed to...
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so i managed to retrieve a few of the journal entries...before my pc crashed and i had to format my hard drive
so enjoy...
current mood:  cheerful
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1:11 pm
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So September 10th
5:21 AM ET
It’s been about 24 hours since I last saw my family and Roanoke for that matter. We got to the airport around this time and it still didn’t hit me that I was leaving for a year. Even though on a conscience level I was not aware of the stresses and worries that comes with leaving your familiars for some place not really exotic but just very foreign…the zits and the constant waking at odd hours coupled with strange dreams let me know that on a subconscience level…I was deeply affected by the decisions that I have made that led me to this. So what is this? This is just freakin great that’s what this is. I’m on All Nippon Airways somewhere over some sea between China and Japan busily typing away on my laptop while cute stewardess prance around with their friendliest smiles serving drinks and food. You know I can see why westerns tend to fall in love with the orient culture. The service is unparalleled anywhere else in the world and maybe I’m just biased. This is my culture of course I love it. Having lived in America most of my awakened life I only got glimpses of what this was all about. Being part of the Asian-American culture I knew what the differences were but really no matter how much you read about it or experience the Americanized versions of it…you never really get to know it and feel it. I guess its like telling someone what a McDonald’s French fry looks like and tastes like and even actually try imitating it at home and even if it happens to taste better, its still not a McDonald’s French fry.
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1:11 pm
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September 11th
4:15 PM CT
The infamous words that I was taught back in 1999 by those with me in Yanbian have struck again. “This is China.” Those 3 simple words are the only words that will do justice to the cultural shock that I have encountered. Last night was hard. The strangeness of feeling once felt in 1999 returned. It was hard for only one reason. I could not call my parents to tell them that I have arrived safely and that all was well. Apparently, you need something called a 201 card in order to dial out from the dorm rooms and once you do that, you need to purchase an IP card in order to call long distance or over seas. Once I figured out that I needed a 201 card, my roommate graciously lent me his but I was soon rejected once more. The IP card that I had bought at the airport was defective. I must have tried everything I could think of but I ultimately failed in getting word to my worried parents. Thus, I did the only thing that I could think of…I prayed. I prayed to God that He would calm their worried hearts.
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1:10 pm
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September 12th
7:02 PM CT
I think I truly belong here. No matter how much further this country may be behind when concerning civilization, I truly love this place. Even with all the incontinences that this third world communist country may have, I feel comfortable here…almost feels like home. Its weird but ever since I first took my first steps here back in 1999, it has felt like home. Its strange how such a foreign place can feel so much like home. Even though I can’t seem to communicate with the people nor do I even know this place, I seem to manage to get by. Is it me? No, I think its God. I think that God truly does have a plan for me here in this place for if not how could such a place feel so comforting. The second day here I met two girls that also used AccessMandarin as their guide. Loren is a British national who lived all of her life in the U.K. but have since worked in HongKong for the past 2 years. Andrea is an American by birth but also one of a HongKong descendant. They have been my group so to speak. My roommate is a Japanese national named Li Mu (Chinese Name). He seems like a great guy just like everyone else I have met so far but because of the language barrier we have been limited to friendly gestures of…have you eaten…and so forth. Hopefully in the next few months we will be able to exchange more than just friendly gestures as both of our Mandarin skills improve. Today we went to the shopping district of Wang Fu Jing. Even though our campus area, for the lack of a better word, appears ghetto, downtown, Beijing is truly a testament of how far this country has come. Its almost a bigger and better version of Manhattan of New York. Andrea has an uncle who happens to be part owner of several dim sum restaurants in town and today we went to eat at one of the restaurants in the Beijing International Hotel, a 20 minute walk from Wang Fu Jing. It was nothing less than a culture shock. The service was nothing that I had experienced before. It was absolutely fabulous. It felt as if we had come out of the sticks and had walked into an ultra civilized palace of etiquitte and decorum. The food was sublime. I had had dim sum before in Chinatown, D.C. but having it here took it to another level. After the gourmet we started what amounted to a 5 hour trip into the high class. The likes of Bulgari, Chanel, Prada and more lined the shopping malls for what seemed several city blocks. After having craved coffee for what seemed like an eternity, we finally found a safe haven in a Starbucks. Even though I detested big corporates like Starbucks on some level, I felt as if I was in heaven. I had myself a triple expresso and the Starbucks employees weren’t quite sure what to make of me. One of the funniest but maybe a testament to the communist country was an arrest we witnessed. There was a 20 something woman who looked like a typical city sophisticate by all means save for her extra ordinary actions. She stood in the middle of the sidewalk with her eyes closed and with her hands together in a gesture of prayer and she continued to walk and bow and walk and bow. It was a strange sight indeed. Every few steps she would get down on her knees and bow to what I cannot understand. A little while later the police arrived and stood in front of her and tried to talk to her. She did not reply nor open her eyes but maintained her gesture of prayer. A big crowd gathered around them and finally the police grabbed her and walked her to the patrol car and took her away. Even as she was being led to the police car she did not put her hands down and she maintained her gesture even as she was driven away. As she turned around she seemed to look at me and I was…scared. I got this eerie feeling as if she was possessed or something. A thought entered into my mind. What if she was Christian and she was praying for the lost souls of this country. Something told me that she wasn’t a believer of our one true God, but rather she was a believer of a false prophet. However, I couldn’t help feel something for her. It was basically religious persecution. I didn’t know what to think. All I could see were the eerie look in her eyes and the eerie feelings that I felt as she turned and looked at me.
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1:09 pm
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September 14th 2002
8:54 AM CT
To clear up matters for myself…CT does not stand for central time but rather China Time. Well its Saturday morning and as a matter of fact my first Saturday here in Beijing. So, what comes to mind. I better make friends fast. Maybe it will pay off later. I have made a decision to wake up at 5 AM every morning and so far the pros have been that I have a chance to really get ready for each day and have breakfast and do my qt and work out. The cons have been that…well actually the only con is that so far the only friends that I have made are foreigners like myself and tend to sleep late into the morning. Hopefully things will get better once classes start on Monday. I figure that all the extra time I have in the morning will pay off to give me ample time to get ready, have breakfast, and be in class on time. I figure that I’ll have lunch with Loren and Andrea afterwards. With all this time, I would think the best thing to do would be to study my Chinese but really haven’t bothered with it yet. I’m just waiting for classes to start. Man, go figure, I’m actually begging for school to start. In my heart I would like to finish up my BA here at this university but I wonder how my parents will feel. Ultimately it is up to me but the filial side of me would rather not do anything to worry them about my future plans. My father envisions me coming back to UVA to finish up my BA next year and then moving on to Law school the year after to study international law. The idea of law school isn’t so bad but I’m positive that I do not want to return to UVA next year which basically leaves me this only option of staying here in China to finish up my studies. I think for the first time since arriving in Beijing, I have finally seen the blue sky. It was raining most of the first day and the second day was…actually its still a mystery. We decided it was smog. The fact was, it wasn’t raining and we could even see the sun through what appeared to be clouds. However, judging by the weather it could not have been clouds. Thus, we decided that it was smog and not clouds. However, I woke up this morning to a blue sky and even now as I look out my window, I see what appears to be a clear blue sky. I wonder if its because we are in the so called suburbs of Beijing and not directly in it. Li Mu has an interesting sleeping style. He likes to cover himself completely with his blanket and at times I actually have to make sure he’s there and that its not his covers all jumbled up. According to Sam, the nearest church is rather faraway. She said that it would take me close to an hour if I walked. I figure I will have to just hold my own services on Sunday mornings before I can find either closer church of someone who attends one on a regular basis. The basic clout about the Chinese people is that they are dirty and lazy. I can see why they may appear to be dirty. Because of the overly abundant labor force and might I add a very cheap labor force, they tend to just leave trash everywhere. This is simply because every night and every morning there are people who clean up the streets and the other venues so its not that they are dirty but rather just the lifestyle of knowing that by tomorrow morning it will be nice and clean. The lazy part I would have to disagree with. Every morning by 6 AM the streets are crowded with people. In the big streets they are busily on their way to work and the street venders are already making their morning sales. In the parks and in and around the campus, the elderly are stretching to start their Taiji. The younger chaps are busy playing soccer or basketball or just simply working out. I have joined an international gym at the Xi Jiao Hotel and I have already become a part of the usual suspects that come to work out by 6:30 AM, which is when the gym opens. At the start its me riding a bicycle and reading and on a treadmill is a girl and on another machine is one more girl. By 7 a few others join in but the general consensus is that foreigners just don’t start their days as early. My case in point is my roommate Li Mu. He has already started classes and he gets up around 7:30 to go to his 8 o’clock class. it’s a Saturday and thus he’s still in bed.
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1:08 pm
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September 15th 2002
11:24 AM CT
I think I’m already getting thinner. Two things to which I believe is the cause of this. Admittedly I’m not eating as much as I used to back in the states. Gone are the days in which I would sit in front of my TV and cook myself whatever it is to my liking. I’m also not eating as much rice as I had previously did. You would think that being in an Asian country like China, I would be eating as much rice as I had done before but so far its been mostly dumplings and soup. I have no complaints. it’s different but still I’ve never had any difficulties with adjusting to new foods and surroundings. However, sometimes I would just kill for some home cooking with a mountain of Korean rice and another mountain of all the other foods that I had previously taken advantage of. The second reason behind my weight loss can be attributed to my 2 hours of gym time. I’ve been working out like mad ever since I have arrived here. I’ve been wanting to get back into shape ever since I gained all this weight 5 years ago but just never got around to defeating my laziness back in the states. However, with the lack of stimulating activity and a foreign environment, my solace have been my daily gym time. I hope I can lose this weight fast so that I may finally get back into shape and dress more to fit into this new surrounding. Besides having been a wrestler for what seems like most of my teens, my self-confidence around women seem to revolve around my appearance. Thus, the reason why I haven’t been very out going with meeting new women. Li Mu and I have finally decided to spend some time together. He has with some modest difficulty, invited me to have lunch with him. I was wondering when and how we would expand our new found friendship beyond the friendly gestures of our room and it seems on this glorious Sunday, we have decided to take our friendship a step further.
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1:07 pm
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September 30th 2002
1:19 PM GMT
(for future referece the GMT refers to China time in accordance with international time zones)
Well its been a while since I last wrote in this. I can’t believe its already been two weeks…time really does fly. Things have been moving fast…I’m constantly battling for time to just relax and work out and of course to study and meet my language partner. Wan Wan had her second meeting ever. A classmate of hers set it up for her and the guy was pretty good looking so she was really excited and nervous. I think because I have to older brother shoes of our relationship, she’s starting to really value my opinions. The biggest example of this was her asking me to come along and watch from a distance and see what I thought of the guy. I felt like I was sending my daughter out on her first date. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. But she was quite happy with the result. The guy is really introverted and she thought that he was just really boring and didn’t get that feeling you get when two people that like each other meet. Basically she said that it was a good thing she found him boring because she didn’t think that he was interested in her. I got to talk to Jin a few days ago for the first time and chatted with her again today. I think because I liked her so much for such a long time, the feeling just never goes away. Besides being kinda lonely here in China, its not helping me much at all. I sent her an email yesterday and it took me quite awhile to finally finish a suitable email and I still wondered afterwards whether or not it was appropriate. the past two years that I haven’t seen or talk to her has been well good. I don’t really think about her that much and its been stress free in regards to just having her on my mind all the time…but now…I dunno with me being here and just talking to her again…I think that I will think about her much more often. Everyone in the past has said that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to date her...i dunno if she did like me...i think i would love to try and make it work..I think that she could be just such a good person if she changed a little but that goes the same for me. So, at the risk of hurting myself…if talking to her and just being friends with her again can help her then I think I will try to be a good friend. Man, why doesn’t she just get married or date somebody so I can finally give up this little hope that I may have somewhere inside me.
Yesterday was the opening of the Busan Asian Games. The opening ceremonies are usually very boring but yesterday was special…I will forever remember 929.…both north korea and south korea came out together as one people holding each other’s hands in the air…there was no south nor nor Korean flag but rather one big white flag with a blue united korea in the middle. Not that I could ever forget that I’m Korean…I was reminded in a big way how much korea, our country means to me…seeing our people united as one great people brought many tears to my eyes.
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| Wednesday, October 30th, 2002
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8:26 pm - ni hao
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ok its currently like the day before halloween over here and so its been i dunno like 4 months since i last wrote in this orange journal...So, what has happened to me in the last four months...I learned one valuable lesson. Never never never trust your computer. We hear about them old folks that refuse to switch their ledgers to pcs b/c they don't see the need and b/c they don't feel like they can trust it. Well, I agree. I've been keeping a journal on my pc for the past 6 weeks or so but...my pc crashed and thus I lost all my entries. If it was just a normal journal then I wouldn't have minded as much but its been about my life for the past 6 weeks and thats really important b/c I'm in China now. Thus I now keep my jouranls everywhere...on a disk..on my harddrive...on my notebook and now on Livejournal. I can't even remember back to the beginning of summer. I had just told my parents that I would not be pursuing the whole med school thing and that I will most likely not go back to uva...and then everythings a blur...I decided to go study in China and back home they think I'm just here for a year taking a break before I return to uva to finish my ba but unless God says other wise...its not gonna happen. My father was right on one thing. When I told him that I wanted to pursue a career in architecture it was me just looking for something completely different from the med school track and not something that I really wanted to do with the rest of my life. I still love architecture and would love to get into it buy only if it meant helping design my building. I think I'm somewhat creative but I'm not...hmm...I don't pay enough attention to detail enough. Which is why I don't think that I would have made a good doctor anyway. Its important for me to get it done and get it done right but as long as it works and its dependable that's all it matters for me. I don't care if its not perfect and man what a horrible doctor I would have made. I think I would have made a better emt rather than a doctor. At least emts only have to concern themselves with the most important aspect. Saving the person's life not worrying about are they gonna look all right or stuff like that. They say that God wouldn't ask us to pursue a career that wouldn't use our talents. I mean He has no reason to give us certain talents and then ask us to pursue a career that uses none of our best talents right? So, I'm trying to guess what my talents are. I'm in China learing chinese and well I'm trying to just learn and soak everything up and not worry about anything but man its not so easy. Every now and then I keep worrying about my future. I just gotta keep reading the Bible and try to listen to what God has to say about where I should go but its not that easy. I guess thats why it sucks being human. We are always in such a hurry to know and find out what God has planned for us and its always about in our time when its in His time. hahaha..I just read over some of my past entries and I can't help but laugh...I whined so much about the whole being a doctor thing. I guess thats why I need this journal. A man can't just whine to his friends or his family all the time so we gotta find other outlets...but man I sound like such a loser.
So China's been interesting...to say the least. I compare my feelings for this place to how I've felt about a certain someone for a long time now. I try and try to figure out what it is that I like about this place and you know I can come up with some reasons but they aren't really great reasons. I just like this place a lot for no good reason. I mean if I look at it on a financial outlook...I will do a lot better just getting a job and settling down back in the states but something about this place it just calls me. I look around and I see the chinese people. The vast majority don't believe in God and they don't even spend the time to contemplate the existence of a God. They just live their lives. I realize that in a country that is just starting to climb out from a third world atmosphere...they aren't really accostumed to sitting around and questioning the meaning of life and what not...but still. They just live their lives. The older folks just do their jobs and enjoy life and the younger folks who are just starting to enjoy the modernization of this country are just studying and trying to get jobs....but I can't help but question don't they ever just sit down and think about the meaning of their existence. Regardless of my capabilities...I think that this is part of the reason that I wanna stay here. I wanna transform this nation of nonbelievers and spread the Word of God to all and everyone...but I know that I'm not called to be a minister or even a missionary. So its a delimma. I think that the term tentmaker fits best for me. Gotta establish myself and thru my own means stay here in do God's work. A nation of over 1.5 billion citizens...just waiting for to be soliders of Christ...it'll be a grand army...don't you think. Its been hard trying to talk to the people I've met about Christ. They've heard of it but they're response seems to be how can you believe in something or someone that you can't even see. And they bombast me with the same line of questioning that most nonbelievers do but its extra hard to talk to these people b/c they have no desire to search for the truth. At least the nonbelievers in America believed in something or at least wanted to know more or the truth but here...they just don't care. They just soak up what they are taught in school and just leave it at that. I mean even from a philosophical or scientific point of view I'm thinking don't you wanna question the standards...just because they say in school that the big bang existed doesn't mean you say ok and then leave it at that...I mean don't you wanna know what was their before the big bang and such....basically they aren't very curious. I keep asking them aren't you curious and they reply no not really...or why are you so curious or that's you...you are curious and thats good but I'm not. When I first got here I was very careful to not cross the line of preaching and evangelizing since its illegal here but now...I trust God will protect me and that if I suffer for spreading the Gospel then so be it. I kinda thought about the pros of going to jail here. I came up with a few...first of all...I would be forced to learn the language real fast...secondly...I could spread the Gospel in jail...I mean its not like they are gonna take me back out of jail...well actually they could kill me I suppose and that won't be good....thirdly...I would lose some mad weight...and lastly it'll be a good experience...but I'm just talking without any fears b/c I'm not in jail and I'm sure I'll be singing a different song if I were actually being dragged away....but didn't God say that we must be strong in His word....that we must be soliders of His cause...besides it'll be a great way for me to kinda stop worrying about my career for a few or several years....
current mood:  crazy
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| Saturday, June 22nd, 2002
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10:12 am
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salut livejournal family....
jeez its been a long time....
first things first... DAE HAN MIN GOOK MAN SAE!!!!!! KOREA IS IN THE SEMIS OF THE WORLD CUP!!!!
Regardless of how empty and uneventfull this summer has been so far, I declare this summer the best summer that I have ever had and simply b/c of Guus Hiddink and our beloved team. I wish I was there with the crazy-loyal Red Devils but unfortuantely I'm stranded here in the middle of nowhere. Still, football fever has not escaped us. My life has been turned upside down the past couple of weeks and all b/c its the middle of the freakin night here when they play over there. Yes, I've been neglecting my journal...which brings me to thank Kim for emailing me after having read the only article in the journey40 journal and asking me for a code so she too could be a part of the livejournal family. Why thank her? Simply b/c she reminded me that yes, I have a journal that I keep online. I'm a bit sleepy right now. Was up all night watching our beloved team beat Spain and unfortuantely see Senegal fall to Turkey. Why unfortuante? My best friend is from Ghana so I've too been pulling for any and all African teams. So, as much as I would like to rant about all the CRY BABY COUNTRIES WHO KEEP COMPLAINING OF THE OFFICIATING BECAUSE THEY GOT BEATEN BY US...I shall retire for now and comeback at another time with vengence. THAT VENGENCE IS MAINLY FOR THE PUERILE MANAGER OF PELUGIA. WHAT A BIG BABY. BOO HOO.
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| Thursday, April 4th, 2002
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5:09 am
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once again comptemplative...why is that...whenever i write in this journal i'm usually comtemplative...well recently at least...
Various thoughts run through my mind. I spend all this time writing here and there and even online in this journal. A fleeting thought, no, I suppose I'm just a little scared of life these days. Little things that somehow have become a bit more real and a bit more scary. All this time, effort and energy spent in vain, perhaps.
Fear then hope
Is it time to sleep again?
Meaningless days pass by and by
The sun seems naught but a street lamp.
Its shining goes unnoticed
But the shadow it casts
Appears ever so dark and dreary.
I welcome the night.
It hides my shame
Leaving it faceless.
Almost seems someone else?s.
So I lay there,
Staring.
Christmas draws near,
Thus my God is born
And then,
I have hope.
Hope that I have gained another year,
Not wasted.
Ah, Christmas time, the jolly time of the year. Well, even my mood was getting a bit more cheery back then. It must be true what they say, that sorrow and saddness produce many a great writings and writers. It makes us pensive and comtemplative and even nostalgic, allowing us to call upon distant memories to help us put our thoughts on paper. So, what's the dilemma? My parents didn't go to college and well as all immigrant families go, they want their children to be more successful and be more or less white collar workers rather than the blue collar living that they must put up with. So, what's the dilemma? I feel that maybe, just maybe, college isn't for me. It's difficult for me to say. I've been academically successful ever since I fully gained control of the English language. I don't even remember if it was them or me that wanted to be a doctor in the first place. But, somehow through the passage of time, that's all I ever wanted to be. So, what's the dilemma? I have less than 3 weeks to prepare for the MCATs and I've had more than 3 months to prepare. I haven't. I haven't been preparing at all. I'm not in school. Couldn't tell my parents. I'm not scared of what they might say nor what they might think of me. I'm scared of worrying them. They have lived the past 15 years here in America soley for me. And, I don't have the courage to tell them that maybe this could doesn't have a silver lining. This is what I want to do. I want to write. Is it too late to start now at 24? No. I maybe too old to not have started a career by now but not old enough to start taking chances. So, what's the dilemma? How to face my fears. My fears of disappointing my supportive parents. Yes, its true what they say. Your parents will love and support you no matter what but after all these years in this long and arduous journey, I don't want to tell them it was the wrong path. I want to thank them for all their love and support. I want to tell them that it was not in vain, that regardless of the outcome of this journey, they have given me everything that I could ever want from a mother and a father. So, what's the dilemma? Not everyone can do what they want. I have to ask myself do I have what it takes to earn a living as a writer. I suppose I could work on it but meanwhile I have to earn a living. I have 2 years left to get a college degree and I suppose I could become a teacher and write on the side. Chance, its all about chances. My father tells me that regardless of my desire to be in business of some sort, I do not have what it takes to become a successful business man because I'm not the type to gamble. I don't take chances nor risks. I like to stick to securities. I suppose he is right, as always. The older I get, instead of me getting smarter than my father, I seem to get dumber. Everyday he seems to amaze me with his knowledge and I am dumbfounded at how much he knows. He is naught but a blue collar business man and yet he seems to know so much. I remember in highschool how I thought that he knew so little and that I was too smart for him. Funny how things have changed. So, what's the dilemma? I don't know why I can't get myself to prepare for what might be the biggest test of my short lived life. Its not that I haven't had the time. So, what's the dilemma? Is it that I'm afraid of being disappointed that I keep myself from trying for the MCATs or is it that deep down, this isn't what I want? Ultimately, I always come to this question? What does God want me to do? Is my desire and thinking that the only way, the chosen path for me to serve Him by being a doctor not correct? Of course we can serve God in many ways. However, where did I get this thinking that being a doctor is my chosen path to serve Him and that I can't serve Him any other way? Even when I was in China, vainly searching for the light, I was led to believe that God wanted this for me and that this was the way that I would forever be serving Him. However, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just this journey that He desired of me, to learn during this journey to prepare me for another. Maybe, to break this hold that life has on me, to be able to give up everything, my pride and my fears, for him. If it is, I shall find out soon enough. So, what's the dilemma? No longer a dilemma. I have come to a conclusion. I shall study my butt off for the next 3 weeks to give it all I've got and then write my book and publish it before the summer is over. Then, I shall see what my true calling is. I shall seek His wisdom and grace through prayer and study of His words. So, Lord, let's do it. Let's give it a go. I'm here and I'm ready for this journey. And without fears or a false sense of pride, I shall commit my life to desiring You ever more.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Thursday, March 28th, 2002
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1:19 am
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what drives us to do that which we do...i don't know what it is...i've been on this long and arduous path for the past 5 years and yet i don't think i have gotten any closer...no i know i haven't. Personally, there has been much growth on my part, not only as a human being but as a child of God. There is some confusion when it comes to why do God put certain people in my life with contradicting thoughts? What I mean is, if this journey to become a doctor is truly what God desires of me, and therefore has put my father in my life to encourage me and try to keep me from going off the path, then why has he put Susan in my life at this point in my life to discourage me of such a venture? I feel that I'm on the right path, although it hasn't gotten anywhere close to the end. Then, why at this point in juncture has he allowed Susan to come into my life to question whether it is truly Your goal for me or just my blindness and human desire? Is it to test me? Is it to reawaken me from this slumber? I don't know...I just don't know...Why such desire to do something else on my part? I don't think I can do it anymore...I really don't. Five years in college and I'm nowhere close to getting a degree than I was at the end of my second year. So, with MCATs staring me down with only 3 weeks to go. I don't think I have the desire nor the preparation to do well on it. So, is this the final road block for me? God sometimes opens doors for us but sometimes He also closes certain doors to steer us in the right direction instead of keep going in the wrong one. If it seems like everytime I take a step towards becoming a doctor, why does it seem that a door closes on me? If God's answer for me is that this is not my calling, then why does it feel so right? I want to become a doctor for God, not me? Well, ultimately for me but not in the human sense. I would rather get a job and write books for a living but yet that just seems my human desire and not a desire arising out of me as a child of God. So, the struggle continues and yet I wonder is it in vain? Am I too stubborn to see the truth? Is God placing my father in my life with his desire to help me become a doctor serve a different purpose than that which I believe it to be? However, my father is also a man of God and he too must be getting his wisdom and desire form God, too. Then, what is it? Why when I had numerous chances to take different paths in my life has God always put me in situations to guide me back to becoming a doctor? When Abraham thought it to be impossible to have a child at his age, God said that he would do the impossible. So, here I am facing another impossible situation. It shouldn't be humanly possible for me to get into medical school at this point in my time? However, if this is the path for me that God has chosen, then will he once again do the impossible and just ask of me to put my trust in Him? If so, then Lord, you have it. You have my faith. You have my heart. You have my life. You have my everlasting devotion to You. Lord, guide me. I am here to serve You and only You.
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| Monday, March 25th, 2002
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11:26 pm
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oscar nite...i'm thinking that everyone around the country that watched it had something to say...for starters...
Geez...business, that should be a dirty word. Yes, last nights oscars was the lowest rated ever but, was it really their fault? Personally, I thought last nights oscars was the best that I've seen in a long, long time. I admit it. After the opening 10 to 20 minutes, I'm on another channel until I come back for the last 20 to 30 minutes or so. However, last night was different. Just about everything was entertaining. When it was all over after 4 plus hours, I wanted more. And that, I can guarantee, has never happened before. Usually I'm begging for something to watch for the next 3 hours or more. I don't feel like doing any work but I also don't feel like sitting through the whole oscar night. And, unfortunately, there's never anything else on to entertain me. It's like a conspiracy. On a typical day, I'm wishing that I had two TVs so as to watch two or more sitcoms at once but every oscar night, there never seems to be anything esle on to interest me. Yesterday was a totally different affair and that's why I feel that business should be a 4 letter word. Why was it the lowest rated oscar since the English Patient won? I swear it was the best and this year it even had a bit of controversy and buzz around it b/c of the possibility of 2 black actors winning the top honors. So, it wasn't the drama that kept people tunning into ABC, it was the other freakn networks. Really, did fox really have to show Independence Day on oscar night? Nobody has aired that movie in like over a year and Fox decides on a whim to air Independence Day on oscar night. A movie that made almost a billion dollars world wide. And what about Major League? Sure its not as popular to the masses as Independence Day but there must be a good number of people out their that like me, enjoyed it and would rather get a few laughs in rather than sitting through another oscar nite. The saddness of it all is that last nights oscars wasn't like the other 74 oscar nights. It was really worth seeing and to the masses who have been disappointed year after year, they might have missed a beautiful thing. Thus, all those networks that were jealous over and over for ABC having the rights to air oscar night, yall did a disservice to the public by trying to keep as many of us from really enjoying a wonderful TV night. Whoopi was fabulous. I'm not old enough to truly appreciate Whoopi's talent and work that she has done over the years and so when I realized that she would be the host, I was a bit disappointed. I wanted someone like Chris Tucker or Dane Cook, someone more of my generaton. However, my dsiappoints changed into glee through the night as I witnessed her grace and wit take over the audience. Tom Cruise, Woody Allen, Mr. Tibbs, Robert Redford were all just truly amazing. They were just very gracious and dignified. I was actually proud to have them as our stars. Did I believe that Halle, Denzel, Randy, and Ron all deserved their first big oscars based on their nominated work this year? No. However, if this year is any indication of how judging really works, then it was the right thing to do. Denzel is a wonderful actor and he has been snubbed many of times in the past for his work. I don't think he deserved it for Training Day but he deserves one none the less and last night was the perfect night for it. Honestly, Russell in A Beautiful Mind was fabulous. I hate the bastard but he was really good and its unfortunate that he acted like such a jerk all year long that the Academy didn't feel like giving him two nods in a row. Besides, he didn't deserve one for Gladiator last year anyway so he shouldn't feel too cheated. Halle, if anyone should get one, its her. I always thought that Julia was overrated but last night, she won me over. Her genuine happiness for Denzel was just beautiful. However, I don't think that she's a great actress and if she has an oscar, then Halle should have one, too. I didn't watch Monster's Ball but I watched Introducing Dorothy Dandridge and wow, she isn't just another pretty face. If it had to be somebody to finally tear down the color barrier in Hollywood, I'm glad it was her and not anyone else. I have a bit of a Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory in me. I don't think that we've actually ever walked on the moon. I think the NSA killed Dr. King and at least JFK and as for President Abe, that might have been the start of the NSA and that might also prove its links to the confederacy. So, what does all my paranoiya have anything to do with the oscars? Don't you think its a bit more than a coincidence that they honored Mr. Poiter on the night that a black actor won for best male actor? Isn't it more than just a coincidence that Whoopi, a black actor, was designated as the host months and months before the voting ever took place for best female actor? And lastly, is it just merely coincidence that Halle happens to be half black and half white? And, will it be just a coincidence that I, at such a young and promising age, is mysteriously killed or dead after publicly talking about the NSA on many an occasion? If the winter olympics prove anything, its that even such prestigious occasions and awards are basically fixed. So, what's left for the oscars? If one of the best oscars ever had such a low rating and created a stir for being a fixed gig, then, its ratings may get worse as people really just start to not care or, it'll be like boxing and the specticle will draw even more people for the future. Why do we as a people care so much for these movie stars? They aren't great, admirable people. I mean none of them have done anything to better our future or have won Nobel prizes for great achievements. However, we just seem to be unable to get them off our minds. The reason being, they live the lives that we sometimes dream of living. They are rich, famous, great looking, and eveyone wants to either date them or be them. We can't pay off our credit cards yet they don't even have to pay their bills on occasions. They go to a restuarant and the owner gives them a comp for being stars. They show up at a hotel and they get a comp for being stars. They wait in line at a starbucks and everyone lets them cut to the front because they are stars and the manager will give them a comp for being stars. We complain of never having the money or the time to take our kids to Disney World. They whine that they can't go anywhere without being haggled by the crowds. We wish we could travel more and take in all that the world has to offer. They whine about somebody's baby crying in coach class and having to listen to it in first class because the plane didn't offer sound proof dividers for the different classes while flying to Fiji for the weekend. We complain about working two jobs to support our kids at minimus wage and they whine about having to work 16 hours a day for 3 months straight to shoot a movie while getting paid 20 million dollars. Yes, I'm sticking to the extremes. But I guess when you see the oscars and all the stars together in their $10,000 dresses that they got to wear for free, it can get to you. After all, they are human, too. And so, no matter how lucky and fortunate they are, they will find somthing to complain about. And to that I say this, if I'm ever that lucky, I will never, ever, complain. I don't care if I'm in the tabloids every week for having sex with a farm animal. I will never, ever complain. I don't care if I get hate mail and death threats every day. I will never, ever complain. I don't care if angry, jealous boyfriends and husbands pick fights with me everywhere I go, I will never, ever complain. Why? Because I live like a hermit anyway. I'll probably live in Mekenos, Greece or in some 100 acres of privacy in Jaejudo, Korea where human interaction will be very limited. And thus, enough for my little complaints and thoughts for now.
current mood:  amused
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| Thursday, March 21st, 2002
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1:00 am
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just fed my fish...i got a tank a few months back when i used to work at a lab taking care of tropical water frogs...yes i know... water frogs sounds reduntant but these frogs are truly just water frogs... anyway the lab next door was experimenting with mexican salamanders and a pair had what seemed to be over a hundred babies and i bought the tank to raise a few of the salamanders... by the time i got everything set up, the lab had no use for them and well...yes labs are not very animal friendly...working in the labs made me see the point of view of the peta people but...you know what are you gonna do... test humans... we have to test and develope in order to better our living and sadly some other species must suffer... all i can say is when those peta people get sick and are dying... let them try to find a cure that didn't involve animal testing... anyways... i finally filled the empty tank with some fish... i love fish but working in the biology department opened my eyes to a whole new level of intersting pets to keep and well the reason i kept off from buying fish in the first place was...they just seemed so mundane you know... So, the real reason for this entry is a lot of things but first on my mind is women and how we men look at them. I was net surfing when i came across this site that is a lot like maxim or men's health but just not on paper. It deals with men and our interests. Anyway, it seems that every year, after exhaustive investigation, (that was sarcasm) they like to rank women. They're only half way through this year's 99 most desirable women and so after checking out the most desirable women from 99 to 49, I came to these two conclusions. First, we as men aren't so bad and two, it must suck being a woman. It took me up to most desirable woman 49 for me to come the first conclusion of "men aren't so bad." Frankly, I was a bit disappointed at first. Why must we rate women? I can understand our human need to rank and categorize but rating the best basketball team is a bit different from ranking women. I don't know who does the actual rating and ranking at the said website but I'm pretty confident that they don't personally know any of these women and so what's the ranking based on? Looks, I imagine and if I were to give these guys a bit more credit, the women's personality based on how they act on TV and random interviews in magazines and such. To put it fairly, they must rank them and think of them the same way we all do, based on their looks and rumors we have heard of them. For example, if we are smitten with a certain celebrity, and we hear through an interview from a friend of the woman that she is absolutely fabulous then by gawd, she is an amazing woman. Hey, even bitchy, snobby women have friends that think that they are just sublime. Anywho, so the first thing on my mind as I saw miss 99, Garcelle Beauvis, was hey she's hot I suppose she's deservingly the 99 most desirable woman. And then miss 98, Denise Richards, what can i say? She's hot and seeing her with Charlie Sheen, I think she's pretty desirable, too. Up to here I was fine and then I saw miss 97, Mandy Moore. (Don't worry I'm not planning on going through the entire list) I'm 24 and I have a hard time looking at Mandy Moore and not feeling guilty. Sure, she's hot but isn't she like 16 or something and so, I'm thinking, how old are these guys that run this website? Clearly the website was intended for men in their mid twentys to late thirtys and so, I'm thinking, should they really be doing this? How can she be the 97th most desirable woman if she's not even a woman yet? It's things like this that give us men a bad name and I am with the women on this one. What I'm really afraid of is seeing the rest of the list seeing the Olsen twins. However, things got better as the list went up and it restored my faith in us men. It seemed looks weren't the only factors involved because at times I swear the women got less and less attractive as the list went up. But, these women were at least actual women who have accomplished much in their lives and seem like good people. I must admit one thing. Those people at the website clearly have a different taste in women from me. I'm attracted more to Hispanic and European women. Of course, I being Korean, Korean women are on the top of my list and living in America maybe made me a bit more bias towards the more exotic and foreign women. I mean I see beautiful run of the mill American women everyday and so it takes something a little different to catch my eye. As for my second conclusion, it must be true. We men have pressures of success and bringing home the bacon but we don't have to spend hours and hours trying to make ourselves look young and beautiful. Infact, I agree that as we men mature and get older, we become more desirable. And as for us being shallow, so are women. Just this past weekend I witnessed it. A girl friend of mine was trying to hook up one of her girl friends and the list of the names seem to all have one thing in common, MONEY. She didn't really know these guys and apparently it didn't matter. The only thing that kept coming up was that he was in med school or that he's working at a really big law firm. Yes, we men are shallow, we rarely consider dating a girl if she's considered ugly but come on at least we admit it. What do women do? They call us shallow and only go after the guys with the money. Another example: a friend of mine is dating this resident and when we all got a chance to meet him, the consenus among us men was that he was a big dork. Basically, we would not want to know this guy. The women on the other hand were all for it. Basically they were smitten by the fact that he was going to be nice to her and that he was going to make a butt load of money. Dude?! When we say "boring", they say "security". So, why does it suck to be women. Hey, we have the rest of our lives to figure out how to make it rich, on the other hand, they get older by the second.
current mood: contemplative
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2002
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5:44 am
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when i was younger... i would watch tv and think...geez is this really possible... i'm referring to those scenes where a character would be all alone in a big city somewhere like new york and be all sad because he or she had no one to wish him or her a happy birthday... i guess i was naive... my family is... well my parents argue alot but we were still family and the thought of spending a birthday by myself without anyone was almost liberating... i couldn't understand why they would be so sad but more importantly... i couldn't understand how they could be spending it by themselves... did they being in their mid twentys or thirtys not have anyone that remembered their birthday... in highschool... i constantly had to beg my mother to not invite people for my birthday... i didn't want a party i just wanted a quiet dinner with my family and a cake and some candles... but my mother always made it seem like that she should be the one getting her way on my birthday than me... and so it was always a party... i've been living away from home for five years now and i am starting to understand how people can spend birthdays by themselves and without anyone... my parents forgot my birthday last year but i still had my college friends to throw me a party and surround me with gifts... this year... i'm twenty-four... it sucks... i feel like for the past five years since graduating highschool... i haven't accomplished anything... anywho... my close friends have all graduated and moved away and this year i was alone on my birthday... my parents forgot again... they remember a few days later last year but this year... with my cousin having gotten married just two days after my birthday... i doubt that they'll be remembering anytime soon... a friend sent me a birthday card and another said happy birthday through im and that's how my day went... another friend that i had gotten close to lately asked me when my birthday was two days before and so he came by with flowers and a cake... it was such a sorry sight... it was like watching a movie... just the two of us in the world and here i was blowing out my candles... and him alone singing happy birthday to me... then later a few more friends came by with another cake and i did the whole candle thing again... they got me some presents... it was very thoughtful of them considering we didn't really see eachother that often... i guess what i'm trying to say is... relationships do matter... no matter that these people made an effort to wish me a happy birthday and such... and i really appreciated it but i guess because i wasn't all that close to them it didn't feel quite the same... for the past five years... having completely screwed up my academic life... i've come to value two things in my life... well God is a given but outside of Him... i've come to value family and friendship more than anything else... and i guess because those two things were the most important things in my life and my one way of consoling myself that the past five years weren't a total waste... when my family and my closest friends weren't there to wish me a happy birthday it saddened me... i've watched so many movies and i always wondered how can they be so moved... you know... like the guy that a girl has been seeing remembers her birthday and the two of them spend it together and she is so moved and i wonder what the heck... i mean is it really that big of a deal... i could never really grasp that until now... every moment in life... i like to think that we learn and grow from it and this year on my birthday i learned that... how important relationships are to us... i've always treasured them but it was more because i was there when they needed me and i felt important and needed that way but i never really needed them and didn't have them there... i think that the effect was more compounding because i had the flu all week... when i'm sick all i want is either my mother or the love of my life holding me in her arms... and i didn't have either this year and they both forgot my birthday... its all relative i guess... some of my friends grew up without birthdays... their family never really made it a big deal and they never really expected anything... it was just another day to them... and i suppose to those people they will never understand my sentiment in this nor the emotions that the characters in those movies feel... and i guess that's why its so beautiful... life that is... we all have different perspectives and unique backgrounds of our own that we can share with eachother and enrich one another... so what is the thought that i want to leave with... i'm not a child anymore... for some reason turning twenty-four felt different... my older friends told me the same... that it's not like turning twenty-three... and i really felt it... i am adult that needs to find his grounds and make a permanent mark on this world... as i watch the olympics i'm reminded of a constant thought that just lingers in my head as i watch great people make something of their lives... why haven't i done anything... where are my passions... nobody's asking me to go to the olympics but i'm twenty-four years old and i haven't struggled, fought, prayed, bled.... for anything... i have spent over twenty years of my life already and i have yet to find something truly worth going after... to just dig deep into the ground and scream i will not give up... i will not go quietly into the night as the world passes me by yet again... why do i live such a mediocre life... i know what i have to do but why can't i just do it like its the only chance i have before i die... i guess that's the burden of being middleclass... too comfortable to give it my all for anything... and that is what i hate about my life and that is what i never wanted to admit... and with that... it stops now... i'm gonna do it... as winston churchill once said... never never never give up... but then again albert schwitzer once said... i fancy you... so what does it all mean... don't live like you're immortal... we have a small window of oppurtunity to make something great of other selves... mediocrity is not an option its a punishment...
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| Monday, February 4th, 2002
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8:30 am
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i can't stand it...
my friend is an avid sports fan...
however...
i know for a fact that he knows jack about boxing...
no no... he knows what he sees on espn and what they say but the guy really doesn't watch boxing...
he recently heard from espn that sugar shane mosely was considered the best pound for pound boxer and that he just lost to a new comer in the arena of heavily touted boxers...
and furthermore that roy jones jr. is now considered the third best pound for pound boxer...
how can i argue with that...
he heard it from espn and now he thinks that shane mosely is a better boxer than roy jones jr... even though he's never ever seen either one of them box...
i gave up trying to convince him and have resorted to writing...
STUPID STUPID STUPID...
how can anyone say that roy jones jr. isn't the best boxer....PERIOD...
the guy has no equal...
sure they say that he won't be considered one of the greatest because he doesn't have a rivalry...
COME ON...
that just adds to his greatness.
tyson never had an equal in his prime and no one disputes that in his prime that he was the best boxer...
THE GUY HAS LOST ONLY ONE FIGHT AND THAT WAS BECAUSE HE HIT THE GUY WHO WAS ALREADY KNOCKED OUT AND GOT DISQUALIFIED
AND THEN WHAT DID HE DO...?????!!!!!!
HE KNOCKED THE GUY OUT IN THE FIRST ROUND IN THE REMATCH
so why are these casual fans trying to talk like they know something...
IT DRIVES ME CRAZY
PLEASE SHUT YOUR MOUTH IF ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING IS FROM WHAT OTHERS HAVE SAID
and mitch if you ever run across this...
WATCH AN ACTUAL BOXING MATCH BEFORE RUNNING YOUR MOUTH
current mood:  aggravated
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